Streams of thought

It was such a trivial incident, really. In fact, I should be used to it by now, because it happens so often. And yet, for some reason, when I came home at 230am and saw my white tank top hanging on a pole to dry, slowly stretching itself to unwearableness, instead of where I had left it lying flat on the chair, something snapped.
And in my anger, relentless waves of thoughts swept through me, never ceasing in their intensity and clarity.
And I was angry at having to live in a tiny four room HDB flat with three other people; where I would have to watch all my actions for fear of offending someone or crossing uncrossed lines. No more flitting through the apartment fresh from a shower in nothing more than a towel. No more performing all the varied household chores in my own time. Instead, everything has to be done based on someone elses schedule. No more leaving my room in my organized mess lest it offends someone elses eyes. The horror!
And I became angry, once again, at the thought of being in this country.
And I suddenly realized why I was so surprised when what seemed to be the entire country kicked up that huge fuss about the ministers getting hefty pay rises. Why, can't anybody see that money is the only way this country is able to get smart, talented men and women to stay here? For once, the old man got it right.
And I felt an intense anger towards the people who have told me, "You knew it you had to return the moment you signed your name on that contract".
To all these people, here is my response to you, "I knew it was coming, but you were not there with me four years ago when I signed my name on that contract. You do not know the circumstances that forced me to play my hand as such. Do not judge a situation you barely have any knowledge of."
And I felt a little sad that nobody ever asks me, "Why did you sign the contract?" because they presume there is only one answer - "My parents couldn't afford to send me abroad." Because, that, I believe, is hardly the answer. At 18, when faced with such stark choices, and without full knowledge of the consequences, what else could I do but put pen to paper?
And then I felt more than a little sad when I recalled what my father told me in those horrible days between my receiving the contract and my signing it. I had a week or so to get a couple of sureties/guarantors to cosign the contract to ensure I would not abscond after four years. My father was too old and I had to seek special permission so he could act as a guarantor. But after all that trouble, he told me, "Go see if you can find somebody else. What if your sister gets a scholarship in a couple years and I can't act as her guarantor because I've signed yours?"
And then, horrible me thought, "Just based on this statement, you have absolved me of all guilt should I actually disappear into the sunset before I have served out this bond."
And then I had a moment of self doubt, when I think I should not have gone abroad at all, because it is not possible to miss something I have not experienced.
But that thought goes away almost immediately because had I not done so, I would have become a narrow minded, insular, petty Singaporean with a deep rooted passion for hawker food and an unhealthy obsession with cellphones and property prices. Worse, I'd actually believe "Singapore is not that bad a place to live in, what."
Instead, I now see the huge divide between how the locals and the expats live. I see the countless old men and women sitting under the hot sun on Orchard Road peddling packets of tissue paper. I see what an artificial construct this country is because all its achievements - good education system, healthcare, strong economy - are products of a highly mechanized government. Tell me in what aspect have this country's people made good? Name me an actress, author, chef, dancer, sportsman, any individual actually, who has made it big, really big, in the international arena.
And suddenly, I am very tired. I will have to wake up some time in the morning, maybe the afternoon, and coax my unwilling self to my office for yet another day of mindless work. But I will still go through the motions because every day I bring myself to the office is another $230 less I have to pay the company should the need ever rise.
And I know, with all my heart and soul, the day this is over, in one way or another, will be the happiest day of my life.